12 posts tagged “relationships”

Write exactly what's on your mind, and don't change it:

01.  Your 'ex' and You = are nonexistent!
02.  I am listening to = the washing machine.
03.  Maybe I should = harrass the volunteer coordinator.
04.  I love = real spring, hammocks, and the friendsies.
05.  My best friend(s) = no one; I don't believe in superlatives.
06.  I don't understand = the opposite sex.
07.  I have lost my respect = for certain nameless individuals.
08.  I last ate = ice.
09.  The meaning of my display name = is absolutely nothing.
10.  God = is fickle.
11.  Someday = is every day.
12.  I will always be = indecisive and difficult.
13.  Love seems to = be evasive.
14.  I never ever want to lose = my mind.
15.  My myspace is = stupid.
16.  I get annoyed when = people are unreasonably late.
17.  Parties = are better when smaller.
18.  Simple kisses = are weird.
19.  Today = made me grin like a fool.
20.  I wish = I was more productive.

Okay, I have been posting like a freak, I understand this.  But this time, I swear, it'll be my last for a while.  There is a boy I know who is slightly younger than me.  I am attracted to him, mainly because he is intelligent and business savvy, and he knows how to banter really well.  Nothing makes my heart flutter as much as mutual wit and sarcasm.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to age discriminate despite how much I can like a person.  I think it's a psychological thing,  I don't know.  But he makes me smile whenever I see him because I know I can have a great and casual conversation with him if I wanted.

Also, after today, I realized how naturally affectionate I really am – just in general.  Even though I frown a lot and am usually always disdainful of others, depending on who they are, I'm much happier when I'm not.  I'm secretly big on hugs, apparently, and expressing love for other people.  Which is weird and unnatural to me, go figure.  Big contradiction, yes, I know.

Cut myself by accident, couldn't finish my coffee, killed Apologize on the piano, am starting to read The Other Boleyn Girl – um, and that's all.

It's a nice day out.  How terribly ironic.

The one day I need the distraction is the one day I don't or can't have it, simply because I'm not in the mindset to be distracted.  But I want to be.

I took a shower, I did the laundry, I plan on cleaning up my room and my closet, play the piano, listen to The Velvet Teen, talk to people – I plan to do a lot of things to get my mind out of this stupid rut.  And I know I have good friends, and I love them a lot (they know who they are).  It's just – how is it that people can make you feel absolutely worthless?

I know that's just the way it goes, and I'm accepting it, but it doesn't hurt any less.  It's like, I'm picking myself back up slowly – and it's working – but then something happens, and I feel stupid all over again.

Wow, way to be emo.  I win at this.

But in other news, talking to people online makes me laugh.  People can be lovely.

Just when Alyn and I have managed to make with the anticipated part of our delayed and heroin-high courtship (I am so old-fashioned, what) thing, I discover he and his family are moving away.

WHY.

(I should invest in some four-leaf clovers.  Should also be noted that Alyn = neighbor.  Note the convenience and accessibility!)

Went to San Francisco for a tentative meeting with Adam and David, which was a complete disaster.  I'm still rightly furious at the latter and annoyed at the former.  Both apologized, David started up a relationship with another girl he met (whom I'm worried for, honestly), Adam has his own house now, and so on.  But accepting as I am – I don't know.  Not very happy.  Luckily for me, I rarely interact with them.

Following that, I went to Hercules and met up with some old friends.  I was extremely, extremely nervous and I expected it to be really awkward, but they're all still as wacky as I remember them.  Except older and more, uh, something.  I can't think of the word, but they're fun!  And, um, hee.  I'm in love again.  Er, scratch that.  I'm just punch drunk stupid with affection for Lynnette's cousin.  Who is 24 going on 25 this year, which makes him officially too old for me.

But I'm allowed to admire!  And he said I was funny so there.  I'm so magnetic, I know.

We all played Monopoly (haha, cute), everyone cheated, we didn't bother finishing the game (let's face it; that game never ends), and we had tacos for lunch.  And then there was some talking, catching up, and then I had to go back to the city to meet up with a classmate I had last semester to go over some poetry he had written up for the upcoming slam in March.

Then, I stopped by another friend's house to drop off his jacket and some other things (finally!), so I was also able to scratch that off my to-do list.

I love having a planner; it feels really nice to be able to plan things and have them pull through accordingly.  So aside from the first stop to San Francisco, today ended on a very high note.

Have I mentioned that I really love being happy?  Because I do, I do.

I will never tire of falling in not-quite-love with people because the sparks and electricity – the general adrenaline rush – makes me grin until my face hurts.  Best thing in the world, really.  You know, and then I laugh uncontrollably because this is all very funny to me, and utterly girlish and silly.

But it was definitely a good distraction, despite the fact we had a mutual understanding that You are you, and I am me, and this is all we are – two singularities with one specific chemistry concentrated on sympathy, concern, and respect.  Eventually, you confuse them (I do this all the time with people).

We sat in his car and talked as per usual.  I'm writing the alphabet on his hand, and he lets me because he knows my quirks better than anyone else while he fills the gaps with conversation, and it's never forced.  It's usually just him thinking aloud, I provide my opinion, and we rally back and forth until things segue in the ways they should.  It's different because I usually have to fish for something to talk about with others.

And then he goes, "Are you okay?"

I flinch a little because I like these things to go unnoticed for the most part.  And I admit it gets a little humiliating when I know I'm going to have to provide details about why and whatnot.  But I tell him anyway because he's more experienced in this arena and, what the hell, I'm tired of having to keep this to myself.

And then what it all came down to was:

"You concern yourself more with the comfort of others than taking care of yourself first."

A tired observation; I get this a lot, actually, and I really don't know why I do it.  It's always, so long as you're okay or let me know if I'm doing something wrong or whatever else I happen to think of at the moment.  In theory, stopping that would give me more time to pick myself back up but honestly?  What I do is basically inherent and would take quite a lot of time trying to reconfigure how I approach complications.

Then:  "You know what I think?  You attach yourself to those who are genuinely concerned about you.  You were deprived as a child, weren't you?"

"Apparently!"

This is followed by laughter because we clearly think it's funny to poke fun at my upbringing.

We pretty much continue this for another hour before he drops me off back at my house, kisses me on the forehead (and here's where I get the chills and punch him for it), and sends me away and makes sure I get in safely.  Lastly:  "Try not to think about it too much.  You can do that when you're dead."

Cue resounding appreciation.  Because it is something I thank him constantly for – for keeping an eye out on me when everyone else is too concerned about the surface.  Which is another reason why I despise him so because it throws me into an emotional frenzy.  Although whenever I look at him, I see a teddy bear I simultaneously want to cuddle and attack with a barrage of kicks.

My relationships with others are so open-ended, it's ridiculous.

I also finished I Am Legend.  On a scale of 1-10, it's probably a decent seven.  Conceptually, it's a good book but the execution was fairly mediocre.  Somewhat emotionally gripping, particularly when Matheson delved into the matter of loneliness, isolation, and the human hope for companionship, etc.  As far as emotional frailties is concerned, it was probably the only time I ever empathized with the main character.  Otherwise, it's all right, and I have every intention of watching the film adaptation.

Aside from the perpetual nightmares (mostly annoying, subconscious images that refuse to leave me alone for a second), the frantic activity of my mind has been keeping me awake in this past week.  In order to neutralize that, I've done all the following:

– Rest for long periods of time.  I sit in the living room couch or my bed or on the swingset outside, wasting away and engaging myself in other things to occupy the empty gaps;

– Daydreaming, which is more or less combined with the above.

– Thinking about nothing, also working in conjunction with the previous two.  These are my best moments, depending on the amount of time I dedicate to it, which is also dependent on whether I even can;

– Auditory overload.

Ultimately, the combination of sleeping too much and then too little (the erratic swing of it all is making me loopy), being more interested in distracting myself and keeping busy with irrelevant things, finding pseudo therapy in music and becoming particularly neurotic when I'm pulled away from it, has made me more irritable and emotional than usual.

I dwell on events and torture myself with the constant repetition, but I think it helps in the long run because you numb it out, and then the whole thing fades and becomes very insignificant.  I would love to get to a point where all the crumbling dynamics and convoluted arguments of family and friends begin to pale in comparison to a bigger picture.

I just want to start the new year  – again – living and appreciating rather than remain stagnant with all this negativity.

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

– Jeffrey McDaniel, The Quiet World

These constant indecisions mark the fact that there is definitely something wrong with me.

Or maybe I reached a plateau and am now coasting on contentment?  Capitulation?  Something.

I was struck with an awful epiphany today at the worst possible time. I don't think I've ever felt quite as sad, empty, confused, and regretful all at once. But I'll keep a smile on my face; it's less of a struggle that way.  

My life is a tragedy in progress. 

Relationships of any kind become extremely complicated when miscommunication rears its ugly head.

I know I can be wrapped up in myself sometimes, say things that I would rather not have, overanalyze people to the point where I am so wrong and thus react in a manner where it negatively affects everyone involved. But I consider myself a very open person, and I would willingly express myself if something was bothering me about a person. I might take a while to do it, but I would eventually. Conversely, I'd love it if people came up to me and said that something I did offended them or at least expressed themselves a little bit to me so the worry doesn't fester.

I live in a house where communication – or lack thereof – runs rampant. To get it elsewhere makes everything a little less stressful as I don't have to rip my hair out in frustration at myself for not knowing what it was I mistakenly did/ignored/etc.

Gah, I hate it when this stuff happens. It makes me feel bad. :(

Days like today make me flustered, disappointed, angry, and bitterly remorseful. When my mom and stepdad get into one of their insignificant arguments, I'm hard-pressed into wondering why they continue to stay together. Maybe I have a bias, and I wholly dislike it when anyone yells, chastises, and condescendingly addresses my mom over something really trivial (there is irony in here somewhere, but that would require too much backstory). It doesn't help that my stepdad's voice – naturally loud and booming – exacerbates my dislike because I immediately equate it to aggression.

Not his fault, I guess, but I flinch and am tempted to stroll into their bedroom and tell them to just get a divorce because I'm sick of it. They do sort things out eventually, which is more than I can say about my mom and dad's marriage, but it doesn't do anything for me. Like am I supposed to act chipper all of a sudden because they fixed whatever rough patch they've fallen?

And I understand that, realistically, a relationship isn't considered healthy if there is no arguing. There are certain topics I agree are marginally in gray areas and will only lead to a sort of bickering, but not when they're over things that two partners should know about each other. A hypothetical situation:

Person A asks a particular question to Person B that offends him/her. Theoretically, Person A should henceforth understand that said particular question should never be posed again or at least approached in a different manner.

But what do I know? My experiences are nil and my expectations are romanticized and idealized by the media.

In other equally vapid and insignificant news, by the time I've finished making four quesadillas I've managed to make myself full with a cup of ice chips and water. Go figure!