11 posts tagged “random”

Working my way through my Lewis Carroll collection and am enjoying myself thus far.  The Other Boleyn Girl has therefore been put aside for the moment.  I was doing a little spring cleaning the other day, found some interesting trinkets lost in my closet, and I have every intention of doing the same to the rest of my room.  Will work on my government homework sometime later this week to catch up before next.

I wrote this entry a while ago, and this paragraph should have been me being sickeningly nostalgic, a feeling that crops up every now and again.  For all the times I brush aside the memories with slight bitterness and the occasional joke, as I'm sure the recuperating process always works, I never quite believe myself.  Subconsciously, or sometimes even consciously, I think I miss it.  It's more concentrated in this week because I managed to pull out the gift wrapped boxes with their attached letters and such, and it's such a waste to see it lingering in my bedroom.  I don't know, I don't know.

In any case, I used to swear a lot in my old journals.  Was a little harsher around the edges, less self-conscious about the things I said, and very anti-authority.  Funny how I am now – totally opposite (unless provoked to rage, of course).  Now I'm careful about the way I act around certain people, a bit reluctant to be as outspoken, less willing to be everything in fear I might offend someone.  The inhibition is making me confused.  I don't blame any particular learning circumstance, but I've chosen to rethink some things, even though I probably never had to.  More of a personal qualm than anything, really.

Thinking carefully about the plan in May.  It has to be on a sunny (and non-windy) day, and some other small details that I still have to figure out.  Otherwise, I'm already looking into what to make, how to bring it, where to set up – that sort of thing.  And then I'm thinking about how I could combine it with ----, which means I'm going to have to talk to ---- fairly soon.  Maybe this April I'll get around to it.

Hm, got a little sloshed this past Saturday.  Well, not really, but it was a very quick and long-lasting buzz, despite having only a shot of some Fernet.  Not as strong as vodka, though that's mostly up for debate, but I reacted faster than I normally would.  Just one shot, and then hard lemonade to down the rest.  Crashed sometime a little before midnight.  No drunken debauchery, no wasted phone calls telling people I love them – true or untrue.  Instead, I just fall asleep.  It's quite funny.

Planning to see Wade with Riri coming along to diffuse any probable awkwardness.  Going to his apartment in Napa for a while, drink a bit, and reminisce.  And I'm not driving so it's good.  I haven't seen Riri since high school, and I stopped seeing Wade after I stopped needing him but, you know, reunions are always interesting?  Not really.

Have I talked about NIN's Ghost album yet?  Because it is pretty darn amazing, if I do say so myself.  And Brian Viglione on drums?  Yes, please!

I have a swing out in the backyard.  A lot of the time, if the weather permits, I'll just go out there with my headphones on, the music on high volume, and pretend I'm not there.  It's almost liberating.  And sometimes I'll write letters to no one in chalk on the concrete, and I'll come back the following day to see that it's been overridden with a child's art rendition of a train or person, more often than not stick figures.

Write exactly what's on your mind, and don't change it:

01.  Your 'ex' and You = are nonexistent!
02.  I am listening to = the washing machine.
03.  Maybe I should = harrass the volunteer coordinator.
04.  I love = real spring, hammocks, and the friendsies.
05.  My best friend(s) = no one; I don't believe in superlatives.
06.  I don't understand = the opposite sex.
07.  I have lost my respect = for certain nameless individuals.
08.  I last ate = ice.
09.  The meaning of my display name = is absolutely nothing.
10.  God = is fickle.
11.  Someday = is every day.
12.  I will always be = indecisive and difficult.
13.  Love seems to = be evasive.
14.  I never ever want to lose = my mind.
15.  My myspace is = stupid.
16.  I get annoyed when = people are unreasonably late.
17.  Parties = are better when smaller.
18.  Simple kisses = are weird.
19.  Today = made me grin like a fool.
20.  I wish = I was more productive.

Okay, I have been posting like a freak, I understand this.  But this time, I swear, it'll be my last for a while.  There is a boy I know who is slightly younger than me.  I am attracted to him, mainly because he is intelligent and business savvy, and he knows how to banter really well.  Nothing makes my heart flutter as much as mutual wit and sarcasm.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to age discriminate despite how much I can like a person.  I think it's a psychological thing,  I don't know.  But he makes me smile whenever I see him because I know I can have a great and casual conversation with him if I wanted.

Also, after today, I realized how naturally affectionate I really am – just in general.  Even though I frown a lot and am usually always disdainful of others, depending on who they are, I'm much happier when I'm not.  I'm secretly big on hugs, apparently, and expressing love for other people.  Which is weird and unnatural to me, go figure.  Big contradiction, yes, I know.

Cut myself by accident, couldn't finish my coffee, killed Apologize on the piano, am starting to read The Other Boleyn Girl – um, and that's all.

My friends amuse me in so many ways.  There are times where I feel compelled to whack some of them over the head because they continually do things that they really don't need to do.  And, you know, I'll attempt to reciprocate if I can because making them happy makes me happy like crazy.  If there's anything I learned in these past months, your friends can really do no wrong (well, they can, but it really all depends), and I am appreciating every single one I have even if I barely see them 75% of the time.

So where was I?  Right.  It makes me feel a little rotten when others do something for me.  Under normal circumstances, it's a good thing.  It's like, 'Aw, that's so selfless of you!'  But then I feel like I want to do something better for them, but I get frustrated because I can't think of anything completely moving other than the usual things I do.  Golly whiz, what kind of friend am I?  Blah.  For someone who adores the arts, I am pretty much a failure at creativity.  What is this madness?

That said, little things!  I love you guys so, so, so much even though you think I'm spaz-tacular.

HAHA, THIS POST IS SO CHEESE-TASTIC.  BUT YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT, OKAY.

In other less ecstatic news, because something always has to go wrong (hello, I am a bad luck attraction), my heart wouldn't stop beating erratically this morning.  And I am occasionally fond of the good kind, but this was not a good one.  I'm going to assume it has something to do with the excessive over-the-counters.  My sleep cycle is also way off ever since DST.

Today has been decent, otherwise.  I am in utter adoration for the young Frenchman who comes in here, who is lanky but so adorable in a Bohemian-esque way.  He's so friendly that he smiles all the time, and I just grin back like a cheeseball.  Unfortunately for me, he's got this pretty girlfriend who is equally friendly and all smiles.  If I wasn't stunned to admiration, I'd attempt to converse with them in French instead of eavesdropping.

Gee, look who decided to procrastinate e-mailing her professor and calling up resources?  Why, because she has other things in mind, particularly how much she wants to beat her head on the keyboard because of how anxious and panicked she is – and clearly out of her mind for talking in the third person.

Little sister is doing her driving test at this very moment, so good wishes to her.  It's so odd to finally see younger siblings doing things that are grown up?  I don't know what it is, it's just a really bizarre experience to know that she's catching up.  Like, 'hey, where have you been all my life, lost years?'  Before I know it, my half-sister and half-brother will be right behind her and then where do I stand?  I really want to see them grow up, but I can't.  Rarely.

Skipping class today to focus on much more important things that I haven't yet started.  Why?  Because I suck, obviously.  The prospect of having to handle this much stress in compressed time is really starting to get to me.  If I was happy this morning because of the weather, the beckoning of real life is starting to look overwhelming and suffocating.  And I do what I do best in times like these – run away.  I fail as a human being, much less a live one.

Emotions are illogical.  Blind affection of any kind is nonsensical and a true mystery because, from an observational standpoint, I can't understand how I remotely liked the guy.  I mean, this is just one of those days where the light in my head turns on, and I can see everything with clarity.  I am more convinced that I am easily addicted to what a person can do in terms of their talents versus who they are and for some inane reason, I mix the two and my vision clouds because it's very easy.  A person's abilities represents – at least for me – a romanticized appeal that I've fashioned in my head.  And of course those are the wrong reasons for liking someone.  Kenneth and I are good revelationists (it's a good made up word, go away).

Okay, okay.  I am going to e-mail the professor right now.  Yes.
Probably not.

Edit:  I finally e-mailed him, and I am stressing out.  Of course now I'm worrying about the proper etiquette and proper way to ask for a recommendation!  And of course now I worry about the way I sounded in my e-mail – should I have sounded a little less proper, a little more casual?  Should I have acknowledged the fact I barely interacted with him in class, was a little more self-reliant?  UGH.  And why won't the volunteer lady answer her phone during office hours?  Epic, epic, EPIC fail.

I have this odd fascination with bones.

But even being some pseudo science nerd (not really, I ultimately defy/hate science unless it's entertaining as CSI), my fondness for bones have nothing to do with the technical details – only for aesthetics.  There was really no point to that.

I lost sleep due to the change in time and having to wake up earlier than anticipated, tried napping it off later in the afternoon but only awoke groggy and disoriented, went 'house hopping' and spending a little bit of time here and there with friends, but was unable to visit my favorite people because my mom (and therefore, my stepdad by default) netted and imprisoned me in the house for two hours.  They're not as tyrannical as I make them sound, I promise – at least not for today.

Ordered in Japanese, watched ABDC on MTV (and now wanting Michael Jackson tracks that I, for some reason, have kept deleting in the past, I don't know why!), and am currently nursing the sharp, almost intolerable pain in my side.  

Food makes me want to purge lately, it's disgusting; I like food.  :(  And I'm really not looking forward to calling up about my volunteer hours and requesting letters of recommendations tomorrow.  Too much fretting involved, and I keep catastrophizing the situation even though I'm sure, by the odds, some things will work out okay.

Other than that, I was very content with the weather.  A little warmer than I expected but good enough.  Had planned to throw around the football outside with my younger sister, but that wasn't executed at all.  Maybe another day.  Today made me want to seek out my half siblings, though, but that entails having to talk to my dad which is about the worst idea I could ever have.

That aside, overall, today was all right.

doogle

Them:  You are just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?
Me:  I am everyone's ray of sunshine.

And sometimes I say it with genuine conviction, and other times I'll say it with a deadpan stare.  But what it all comes down to is that it's true.  Call me a liar, but I daresay I'm pretty good at making people smile – even if they're smiling because they secretly think I'm kind of a dork.  However, I'm confident enough to think that they are merely jealous of my unique abilities.  Also between Connie and me:

Connie:  YAY, my favorite person.
Me:  :D I am everyone's favorite.

settled

For the record, I have never been this cheerful and restless and jittery since – well, since never.  The combination of sleeping capsules and too much caffeine pills has left me feeling afloat, caught between consciousness and unconsciousness.  It feels akin to drinking about as much to leave you buzzed and unable to walk in straight lines but enough to differentiate logic from illogic.  Brains intact, motor skills confused.  Basically.

Which meant I walked into Laura's office feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience while still remaining hyper aware of my surroundings.  I vaguely remember what I said to her about my recent activities.  I mean, I remember but that meeting felt all too surreal and not really there.  My focus was shot.  At least attention is hardly required if all I'm to do is talk and talk, and I was able to skip class so that works well in my favor.

Incubus' Just A Phase feels like sex.  Not that I know anything about it or if it's even possible to feel like sex, but everything about it is so bloody erotic.  But certainly not the lyrics, oh no.  It's all in the melodies and the way the words are sectioned off, isolated, and lingering.  Amazing, if I do say so myself.  And, and, and – Saul Williams at Slim's on the 21st.  How wicked is that?  Oh my god.  That man is so insanely talented with words, I'm jealous but mostly full of admiration.

What else can I talk about?  Other than the fact I'm merely psychobabbling at this point because my fingers are typing much faster than my brain can figure out what subjects to cover.  There's quite a bit of them.  You'll realize that this is all, um, what do you call it?  Stream-of-consciousness, there we go.  I'm still a bit peeved at my manager, but what can you do?  Injustices are everywhere, including small franchises that underestimate your capabilities as a worker.  But nothing depressing here!  I am happy today, let's see how long I can drag this out before I crash.

chocolate

I want to go somewhere, lie down, and breathe until the air gets too heavy that I'm too tired to think, to sleep, or do anything else.  People should join me and stop moving for a fraction of their lives.  You miss a lot of things when you're constantly in motion.  So you know when one of your limbs fall asleep, and you try to wake it up but all you get are these half-painful, half-ticklish and paralyzed muscles?  I am feeling that right now – an assortment of pinpricks on my skin and my spine, and I think I'm about to collapse.  Like right now.

Yeah.

I saw my share of boys waiting for their girlfriends or potential love interests yesterday, and I have to mention how much I secretly enjoy observing other people on Snuggle Day.  I think the best part is seeing all these boys I see every day in their baggy pants, shirts ten sizes too big, baseball caps, skateboards, and cigarettes dangling from their lips transform into these well-dressed gentlemen with a flower or chocolate in their hands.

So adorable.  If there's anything that makes someone look attractive, it's the amount of effort they dedicate to an event or to someone because they love them.  Of course there are other things, but that's not entirely relevant here.

I got a lovely surprise at work yesterday.  Connie and Andrew stopped by, and I received a box of cupcakes from Citizen Cake and a simple card that you normally get in grade school from every student imaginable because it was obligatory.  It was cute and unexpected and, come on, who can't deny the gravitational pull that are cupcakes?  Yum.  And they were so pretty too, as you can plainly see.  I had a difficult time deciding whether I should have eaten them or not but nonetheless demolished them after getting home and taking photographs.

Good stuff.

And then in the early evening, I picked out daisies from the backyard – the kind that grows everywhere – and handed one to Alyn as a silly gesture.  And because his dad and younger brother were there (washing their dogs), I gave them one too.  His little brother thought I was nuts, and his dad laughed and said something in French that I didn't catch.  Forest and Daisy ate theirs, haha.

The past couple of weeks have been spent mostly working, mostly school, planning a trip to Fresno for my friend's wedding (I hope to take a lot of pictures if not a little bit), eating at two new breakfast places – courtesy of Connie – which were spectacular, and watching a couple of rented movies with Lynnette and Paul.  I was taught how to play poker (which I've conveniently forgotten) and to make fireballs (which I opted out, thank you very much).

There's going to be a barbecue at my house, and I must be insane for being the only person I know who isn't too fond of barbecues.  It's just never appealed to me for some reason.

Oh, and some quotables that were said to me at work yesterday and today:

You're such a doll, a sweetheart.
– Said by some sexually ambiguous customer, who I think is relatively nice but unnerves me all the same.  It made me happy, though.  He came in today and noticed I was without a scarf, which he perceived to be weird since he expected me to be cold; I was.  And he introduced himself as Andrew, haha.

I have to say you're doing an excellent job at multi-tasking.
– By some random lady.  I like it when people notice and take the time to appreciate what you have to do sometimes.

I think that's all.  Next post on Sunday when I return from Fresno to share my picture taking frenzy, at least if I'm not tired.  Yay, I get to wear a skirt and be girly without having to defend myself.

La!

Days like today make me flustered, disappointed, angry, and bitterly remorseful. When my mom and stepdad get into one of their insignificant arguments, I'm hard-pressed into wondering why they continue to stay together. Maybe I have a bias, and I wholly dislike it when anyone yells, chastises, and condescendingly addresses my mom over something really trivial (there is irony in here somewhere, but that would require too much backstory). It doesn't help that my stepdad's voice – naturally loud and booming – exacerbates my dislike because I immediately equate it to aggression.

Not his fault, I guess, but I flinch and am tempted to stroll into their bedroom and tell them to just get a divorce because I'm sick of it. They do sort things out eventually, which is more than I can say about my mom and dad's marriage, but it doesn't do anything for me. Like am I supposed to act chipper all of a sudden because they fixed whatever rough patch they've fallen?

And I understand that, realistically, a relationship isn't considered healthy if there is no arguing. There are certain topics I agree are marginally in gray areas and will only lead to a sort of bickering, but not when they're over things that two partners should know about each other. A hypothetical situation:

Person A asks a particular question to Person B that offends him/her. Theoretically, Person A should henceforth understand that said particular question should never be posed again or at least approached in a different manner.

But what do I know? My experiences are nil and my expectations are romanticized and idealized by the media.

In other equally vapid and insignificant news, by the time I've finished making four quesadillas I've managed to make myself full with a cup of ice chips and water. Go figure!

disco ball

The past couple of weeks have been, more or less, interesting. Intriguing. By which I mean have been composed of events I wouldn't normally catch myself doing. First case: karaoke bar. Club? Whatever you call it, that is where I went to (hence the disco ball) with some friendsies. Granted, there was no singing on my part, but the experience still stands. I think I was a little more fascinated with the lighting fixtures and the fact that each room wasn't exactly soundproof despite being isolated from one another.

And there's really nothing funnier than hearing someone imitate the throaty, raspy voice of Gollum to complete strangers.

Next time, I plan to hijack the business' tambourines on the basis that karaoke is not karaoke without the shiny, sound-making things. And I would probably insist that they fix the colored lights because fluorescents don't cut it.

Nonetheless, it was a stress reliever. I don't remember the last time I was this high-strung because of school, work, and the gritty real world. I wake up in the morning with bed head and rumpled clothes, a quick shot of caffeine and its capsule cousins, and restart the day like a wind-up doll. Very uncomplicated. Boring. Unlike this past weekend in which I was manhandled and literally shocked by a boy and his toy, a completely innocent-looking contraption until he enlightened us otherwise.

electro!

Look at my amazing photo-taking skills. Actually, it was blurry the first time because I didn't want to be caught (I was a googly-eyed, dribbling mess!), and a friend took the picture on the right while I was simultaneously being shocked with the naughty contraption. Honestly, I thought it was something merely to joke around with – poke people randomly in the street and watch them convulse in aftershocks. Nope. Because if I understood correctly, these are apparently handy things in the bedroom. But what did I care? The guy was hot, although I had to second guess his preferences if you know what I mean. I still can't tell. Does it matter? Not really. His pretty appearance reduces puppies to tears.

treetops

I think the most interesting (and I use the term loosely) part of the last day of our getaway was when we were followed – stalked! – by the cookie boy in blue. It was bizarre and scary, and I don't think I've ever been stunned into a corner that badly.

Anyhow, trees! Again! Not surprising, really.

In the past week or so, I've been listening to my mix CD nonstop. Sometimes I fail at making CDs because the tracks hate each other and don't mesh well, so to speak. It actually makes me very frustrated. Individually, they're fine, but together it's like this loud, horrible jumble fest that makes it hard to listen to.

My Chemical Romance makes a good impression here, as I've come to find how much I love to headbang to their music when I'm feeling particularly upset. Case in point is the issue with a certain someone who shall remain unnamed. After writing a somewhat long letter about my opinions on relationships and what-have-you, I think I managed to lose a friend in the process. Why? Because it's apparently very easy to confuse friendliness with an open invitation to confess feelings that should stay unconfessed. So while I bemoan everything I've ever said and written (that were misconstrued in the process) to infinity, here goes my playlist of choice:

playlist!