37 posts tagged “personal”

I almost had a heart attack when I thought I saw David.  And continued to panick because he looked eerily like him, except maybe less slimy and stupid looking.

Working my way through my Lewis Carroll collection and am enjoying myself thus far.  The Other Boleyn Girl has therefore been put aside for the moment.  I was doing a little spring cleaning the other day, found some interesting trinkets lost in my closet, and I have every intention of doing the same to the rest of my room.  Will work on my government homework sometime later this week to catch up before next.

I wrote this entry a while ago, and this paragraph should have been me being sickeningly nostalgic, a feeling that crops up every now and again.  For all the times I brush aside the memories with slight bitterness and the occasional joke, as I'm sure the recuperating process always works, I never quite believe myself.  Subconsciously, or sometimes even consciously, I think I miss it.  It's more concentrated in this week because I managed to pull out the gift wrapped boxes with their attached letters and such, and it's such a waste to see it lingering in my bedroom.  I don't know, I don't know.

In any case, I used to swear a lot in my old journals.  Was a little harsher around the edges, less self-conscious about the things I said, and very anti-authority.  Funny how I am now – totally opposite (unless provoked to rage, of course).  Now I'm careful about the way I act around certain people, a bit reluctant to be as outspoken, less willing to be everything in fear I might offend someone.  The inhibition is making me confused.  I don't blame any particular learning circumstance, but I've chosen to rethink some things, even though I probably never had to.  More of a personal qualm than anything, really.

Thinking carefully about the plan in May.  It has to be on a sunny (and non-windy) day, and some other small details that I still have to figure out.  Otherwise, I'm already looking into what to make, how to bring it, where to set up – that sort of thing.  And then I'm thinking about how I could combine it with ----, which means I'm going to have to talk to ---- fairly soon.  Maybe this April I'll get around to it.

Hm, got a little sloshed this past Saturday.  Well, not really, but it was a very quick and long-lasting buzz, despite having only a shot of some Fernet.  Not as strong as vodka, though that's mostly up for debate, but I reacted faster than I normally would.  Just one shot, and then hard lemonade to down the rest.  Crashed sometime a little before midnight.  No drunken debauchery, no wasted phone calls telling people I love them – true or untrue.  Instead, I just fall asleep.  It's quite funny.

Planning to see Wade with Riri coming along to diffuse any probable awkwardness.  Going to his apartment in Napa for a while, drink a bit, and reminisce.  And I'm not driving so it's good.  I haven't seen Riri since high school, and I stopped seeing Wade after I stopped needing him but, you know, reunions are always interesting?  Not really.

Have I talked about NIN's Ghost album yet?  Because it is pretty darn amazing, if I do say so myself.  And Brian Viglione on drums?  Yes, please!

I have a swing out in the backyard.  A lot of the time, if the weather permits, I'll just go out there with my headphones on, the music on high volume, and pretend I'm not there.  It's almost liberating.  And sometimes I'll write letters to no one in chalk on the concrete, and I'll come back the following day to see that it's been overridden with a child's art rendition of a train or person, more often than not stick figures.

Write exactly what's on your mind, and don't change it:

01.  Your 'ex' and You = are nonexistent!
02.  I am listening to = the washing machine.
03.  Maybe I should = harrass the volunteer coordinator.
04.  I love = real spring, hammocks, and the friendsies.
05.  My best friend(s) = no one; I don't believe in superlatives.
06.  I don't understand = the opposite sex.
07.  I have lost my respect = for certain nameless individuals.
08.  I last ate = ice.
09.  The meaning of my display name = is absolutely nothing.
10.  God = is fickle.
11.  Someday = is every day.
12.  I will always be = indecisive and difficult.
13.  Love seems to = be evasive.
14.  I never ever want to lose = my mind.
15.  My myspace is = stupid.
16.  I get annoyed when = people are unreasonably late.
17.  Parties = are better when smaller.
18.  Simple kisses = are weird.
19.  Today = made me grin like a fool.
20.  I wish = I was more productive.

Okay, I have been posting like a freak, I understand this.  But this time, I swear, it'll be my last for a while.  There is a boy I know who is slightly younger than me.  I am attracted to him, mainly because he is intelligent and business savvy, and he knows how to banter really well.  Nothing makes my heart flutter as much as mutual wit and sarcasm.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to age discriminate despite how much I can like a person.  I think it's a psychological thing,  I don't know.  But he makes me smile whenever I see him because I know I can have a great and casual conversation with him if I wanted.

Also, after today, I realized how naturally affectionate I really am – just in general.  Even though I frown a lot and am usually always disdainful of others, depending on who they are, I'm much happier when I'm not.  I'm secretly big on hugs, apparently, and expressing love for other people.  Which is weird and unnatural to me, go figure.  Big contradiction, yes, I know.

Cut myself by accident, couldn't finish my coffee, killed Apologize on the piano, am starting to read The Other Boleyn Girl – um, and that's all.

So I say I am stressed a lot lately but never with any proof except whine whine whine.  Well, I had a brief movie moment this morning.  I won't elaborate except when I did find the offending piece, I stumbled backwards and, instead of falling unconscious which would have been preferable, I clumsily bumped the back of my head against the bathroom wall.  That was painful.

It is also pi (or pie) day!  I hate numbers, but it is totally a semi-legitimate reason to have apple pie.  Yum!  I might purchase some later and bake something later.  Because you know what I noticed?  If my biological clock is mucked up, I tend to cook late into the morning - and I never eat what I make.  It's the insomniac's way of keeping himself/herself busy.  Which is what I do.

I also have a can of whipped cream for consumption.  I have no idea why I bought it since I haven't really touched it since.  All I want are goldfish crackers and ice.  Maybe an orange and raspberries for nutritional balance.  I have been talking a lot about food recently, but looking at them makes me gag.  Oh, apple juice!  Haha, yeah.  Story of my life.

Got a third piercing for my right ear last week, intending to get a second one for my left sometime today or later this weekend.  Um, and I decided I won't try for the April 1 deadline.  Too much to do in so little time, and way too put off to deal with irresponsible adults.  As a result, speech class this summer.  Ick.

Food to school - seriously, I make lovely transitions.
/idiot

My friends amuse me in so many ways.  There are times where I feel compelled to whack some of them over the head because they continually do things that they really don't need to do.  And, you know, I'll attempt to reciprocate if I can because making them happy makes me happy like crazy.  If there's anything I learned in these past months, your friends can really do no wrong (well, they can, but it really all depends), and I am appreciating every single one I have even if I barely see them 75% of the time.

So where was I?  Right.  It makes me feel a little rotten when others do something for me.  Under normal circumstances, it's a good thing.  It's like, 'Aw, that's so selfless of you!'  But then I feel like I want to do something better for them, but I get frustrated because I can't think of anything completely moving other than the usual things I do.  Golly whiz, what kind of friend am I?  Blah.  For someone who adores the arts, I am pretty much a failure at creativity.  What is this madness?

That said, little things!  I love you guys so, so, so much even though you think I'm spaz-tacular.

HAHA, THIS POST IS SO CHEESE-TASTIC.  BUT YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT, OKAY.

In other less ecstatic news, because something always has to go wrong (hello, I am a bad luck attraction), my heart wouldn't stop beating erratically this morning.  And I am occasionally fond of the good kind, but this was not a good one.  I'm going to assume it has something to do with the excessive over-the-counters.  My sleep cycle is also way off ever since DST.

Today has been decent, otherwise.  I am in utter adoration for the young Frenchman who comes in here, who is lanky but so adorable in a Bohemian-esque way.  He's so friendly that he smiles all the time, and I just grin back like a cheeseball.  Unfortunately for me, he's got this pretty girlfriend who is equally friendly and all smiles.  If I wasn't stunned to admiration, I'd attempt to converse with them in French instead of eavesdropping.

Gee, look who decided to procrastinate e-mailing her professor and calling up resources?  Why, because she has other things in mind, particularly how much she wants to beat her head on the keyboard because of how anxious and panicked she is – and clearly out of her mind for talking in the third person.

Little sister is doing her driving test at this very moment, so good wishes to her.  It's so odd to finally see younger siblings doing things that are grown up?  I don't know what it is, it's just a really bizarre experience to know that she's catching up.  Like, 'hey, where have you been all my life, lost years?'  Before I know it, my half-sister and half-brother will be right behind her and then where do I stand?  I really want to see them grow up, but I can't.  Rarely.

Skipping class today to focus on much more important things that I haven't yet started.  Why?  Because I suck, obviously.  The prospect of having to handle this much stress in compressed time is really starting to get to me.  If I was happy this morning because of the weather, the beckoning of real life is starting to look overwhelming and suffocating.  And I do what I do best in times like these – run away.  I fail as a human being, much less a live one.

Emotions are illogical.  Blind affection of any kind is nonsensical and a true mystery because, from an observational standpoint, I can't understand how I remotely liked the guy.  I mean, this is just one of those days where the light in my head turns on, and I can see everything with clarity.  I am more convinced that I am easily addicted to what a person can do in terms of their talents versus who they are and for some inane reason, I mix the two and my vision clouds because it's very easy.  A person's abilities represents – at least for me – a romanticized appeal that I've fashioned in my head.  And of course those are the wrong reasons for liking someone.  Kenneth and I are good revelationists (it's a good made up word, go away).

Okay, okay.  I am going to e-mail the professor right now.  Yes.
Probably not.

Edit:  I finally e-mailed him, and I am stressing out.  Of course now I'm worrying about the proper etiquette and proper way to ask for a recommendation!  And of course now I worry about the way I sounded in my e-mail – should I have sounded a little less proper, a little more casual?  Should I have acknowledged the fact I barely interacted with him in class, was a little more self-reliant?  UGH.  And why won't the volunteer lady answer her phone during office hours?  Epic, epic, EPIC fail.

One would assume I would love nothing more than to dive head first into things that are handed to me on a silver platter, presumably things that could help me.  But I don't because I feel like it's a depraved kind of collateral, and there's just no point.

Them:  You are just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?
Me:  I am everyone's ray of sunshine.

And sometimes I say it with genuine conviction, and other times I'll say it with a deadpan stare.  But what it all comes down to is that it's true.  Call me a liar, but I daresay I'm pretty good at making people smile – even if they're smiling because they secretly think I'm kind of a dork.  However, I'm confident enough to think that they are merely jealous of my unique abilities.  Also between Connie and me:

Connie:  YAY, my favorite person.
Me:  :D I am everyone's favorite.

It's obviously so very true.  She capitalized her enthusiasm!  I am sparkly and contagious, true fact.

For the record, I have never been this cheerful and restless and jittery since – well, since never.  The combination of sleeping capsules and too much caffeine pills has left me feeling afloat, caught between consciousness and unconsciousness.  It feels akin to drinking about as much to leave you buzzed and unable to walk in straight lines but enough to differentiate logic from illogic.  Brains intact, motor skills confused.  Basically.

Which meant I walked into Laura's office feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience while still remaining hyper aware of my surroundings.  I vaguely remember what I said to her about my recent activities.  I mean, I remember but that meeting felt all too surreal and not really there.  My focus was shot.  At least attention is hardly required if all I'm to do is talk and talk, and I was able to skip class so that works well in my favor.

Incubus' Just A Phase feels like sex.  Not that I know anything about it or if it's even possible to feel like sex, but everything about it is so bloody erotic.  But certainly not the lyrics, oh no.  It's all in the melodies and the way the words are sectioned off, isolated, and lingering.  Amazing, if I do say so myself.  And, and, and – Saul Williams at Slim's on the 21st.  How wicked is that?  Oh my god.  That man is so insanely talented with words, I'm jealous but mostly full of admiration.

What else can I talk about?  Other than the fact I'm merely psychobabbling at this point because my fingers are typing much faster than my brain can figure out what subjects to cover.  There's quite a bit of them.  You'll realize that this is all, um, what do you call it?  Stream-of-consciousness, there we go.  I'm still a bit peeved at my manager, but what can you do?  Injustices are everywhere, including small franchises that underestimate your capabilities as a worker.  But nothing depressing here!  I am happy today, let's see how long I can drag this out before I crash.

I want to go somewhere, lie down, and breathe until the air gets too heavy that I'm too tired to think, to sleep, or do anything else.  People should join me and stop moving for a fraction of their lives.  You miss a lot of things when you're constantly in motion.  So you know when one of your limbs fall asleep, and you try to wake it up but all you get are these half-painful, half-ticklish and paralyzed muscles?  I am feeling that right now – an assortment of pinpricks on my skin and my spine, and I think I'm about to collapse.  Like right now.

Yeah.

The talking was nice.  And the silence was nice, though that might have been just me because I do find repose in the quietude.  Stars were bright, but one was brighter and I'm still convinced that spherical shapes have nothing to do with direction.  Whatever happened early yesterday about my thoughts on them wasn't on my mind anymore, although they did worm themselves into the conversation somehow in the end – and continued mostly because I don't know how to stop thinking, oh my god – and I kind of wanted to kick myself.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else.  I stopped bringing people there after Jay and all (seven years ago, wow), and I expected to have a meltdown of grand proportions but it was fine.  Staying up there sometimes – yeah, there are occasions where you feel like the tiniest and loneliest person in the world just because in the dark, in the middle of the big city and complete nothingness, there's no one but you.  It's humbling, but last night didn't feel that way at all.  I should bring others there more often, but it's always been our spot, which has always been shared between two people – three at the most but even that was very rare.  I don't have it in me to break those numbers.  Anyway.

People surprise you. 
(But in a good way.)

And I am feeling much better today.  
The sun + people + Jimmy Eat World = :)  

It's a nice day out.  How terribly ironic.

The one day I need the distraction is the one day I don't or can't have it, simply because I'm not in the mindset to be distracted.  But I want to be.

I took a shower, I did the laundry, I plan on cleaning up my room and my closet, play the piano, listen to The Velvet Teen, talk to people – I plan to do a lot of things to get my mind out of this stupid rut.  And I know I have good friends, and I love them a lot (they know who they are).  It's just – how is it that people can make you feel absolutely worthless?

I know that's just the way it goes, and I'm accepting it, but it doesn't hurt any less.  It's like, I'm picking myself back up slowly – and it's working – but then something happens, and I feel stupid all over again.

Wow, way to be emo.  I win at this.

But in other news, talking to people online makes me laugh.  People can be lovely.