high nocturnes in minor

72 : temporary

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:47:36 -0700

I'm going through one of my phases again. Ignore it, I'll eventually come back to this place once said phase strikes again. It's this compulsion I have to feel like I'm starting over, even when I'm not. Humor me.

Not gone for good, I promise. :)

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71 : no fools

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 10:23:29 -0700

Yesterday, the news of cancer; today, am notified of commission. Two completely different things, one tragic and the other potentially uplifting (but not at this moment).

Life is so unfunny right now.

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70 : ooh, ouch

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:49:33 -0700

I almost had a heart attack when I thought I saw David. And continued to panick because he looked eerily like him, except maybe less slimy and stupid looking.

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69 : not easter

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 19:37:56 -0700

I let Wade read my locked journal while Riri and I munched on chips and fruit juice because –

   Wade: Help yourself to drinks.
   Riri: Pepsi, 7UP, or Dr. Pepper, Ash?
   Me: ... I don't drink soda.
   Wade: WHAT.
   Me: Well, not if I can help it.
   Wade: WHAT.
   Me: Hey, I don't mind. I'll have, like, 7UP or something.
   Riri: He has ice.
   Me: Eh, it's not crushed.
   Wade: Who drinks water with chips
   Me: Me. Sometimes. Or, yeah.
   Wade: Oh god. Okay, there's juice in the bottom drawer.
   Me: Your drawer? You keep juice in your drawer?
   Wade: Thankless beast.
   Me: :D

Note that I will drink soda, just that if I don't have to then I won't. And Wade doesn't actually keep fruit juice in his drawer; he meant something else. I mean, I wouldn't have otherwise. :)

Wade is an interesting person to talk to on occasion if you want the solid truth. Friend or not, he doesn't care if he hurts your feelings, has no second thoughts about what he says. And, yeah, it has its drawbacks occasionally, but I like his no-nonsense perspectives. It's refreshing when you need it. So he reads and reads, and then he goes:

   Wade: I want to be that guy you talk about.
   Me: (heart explodes)
   Wade: Haha, just kidding, you're so cute.
   Riri: You made her blush.
   Me: NOT FUNNY, OH MY GOD.

Okay, okay. I am secretly a romantic about what people say. A lot of it is very idealistic and comes from these faraway situations I only see in movies or read about in dumb romance novels. But just the way he said it? Joking or not, I swallowed my heart several times as it defied gravity for five seconds. And then I was speechless and could barely contain my giggles because what he said was so – so out there but so cheesy good that I simultaneously wanted to hug and punch him for being so sensitively insensitive. The only reason I'm not as mad as I should be is because he's just so annoyingly charismatic that it's hard to hate him. There are a few other people I can name like him, but I won't get into that.

In any case, that's my last trip to Napa. Long drives for a one night stay is exhausting and time-consuming. Love the guy but don't love him enough to visit often, sorry. I mean, I complain about Hercules being far. Goodness.

Moreover, hey, photojournal. Sort of. I don't expect to update there very often unless I have pictures to talk about or something. Not that I don't already do that here, so I don't know. Just entertaining my organizing compulsions. It's disgusting, I know.

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68 : restraint

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 17:16:08 -0700

UGH, EW.

Okay, that's it. I'm going to remain celibate until I die. That's right – die. Because, um, just no. I'm officially traumatized for life, thanks.

Thanks a LOT, Lain.

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67 : haha

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:58:13 -0700

I love Connie sometimes:

Me: OMG SUSPENSE!
Me: EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WHO PASSES.
Me: GAAAAH.
Me: if the girls cry, i'll cry.
Connie: lol
Me: i'll CRY.
Connie: hi
Me: hee, the dude at the end is hella dorky and cute.
Me: xP
Me: of the ______, i mean.
Connie: left or right
Me: left.
Connie: hha ya
Connie: who does THAT remind u of
Connie: lol
Me: HAHAHA SHUT UP.
Connie: hahahahahahahahahhahah

Except for maybe that comment.

Haha, just kidding. I'm just too obvious, apparently. I mean, duh. Ha, things like that make me laugh like stupid crazy. ~~Because it's true~~.

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66: almost forget

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:35:04 -0700

Working my way through my Lewis Carroll collection and am enjoying myself thus far. The Other Boleyn Girl has therefore been put aside for the moment. I was doing a little spring cleaning the other day, found some interesting trinkets lost in my closet, and I have every intention of doing the same to the rest of my room. Will work on my government homework sometime later this week to catch up before next.

I wrote this entry a while ago, and this paragraph should have been me being sickeningly nostalgic, a feeling that crops up every now and again. For all the times I brush aside the memories with slight bitterness and the occasional joke, as I'm sure the recuperating process always works, I never quite believe myself. Subconsciously, or sometimes even consciously, I think I miss it. It's more concentrated in this week because I managed to pull out the gift wrapped boxes with their attached letters and such, and it's such a waste to see it lingering in my bedroom. I don't know, I don't know.

In any case, I used to swear a lot in my old journals. Was a little harsher around the edges, less self-conscious about the things I said, and very anti-authority. Funny how I am now – totally opposite (unless provoked to rage, of course). Now I'm careful about the way I act around certain people, a bit reluctant to be as outspoken, less willing to be everything in fear I might offend someone. The inhibition is making me confused. I don't blame any particular learning circumstance, but I've chosen to rethink some things, even though I probably never had to. More of a personal qualm than anything, really.

Thinking carefully about the plan in May. It has to be on a sunny (and non-windy) day, and some other small details that I still have to figure out. Otherwise, I'm already looking into what to make, how to bring it, where to set up – that sort of thing. And then I'm thinking about how I could combine it with ----, which means I'm going to have to talk to ---- fairly soon. Maybe this April I'll get around to it.

Hm, got a little sloshed this past Saturday. Well, not really, but it was a very quick and long-lasting buzz, despite having only a shot of some Fernet. Not as strong as vodka, though that's mostly up for debate, but I reacted faster than I normally would. Just one shot, and then hard lemonade to down the rest. Crashed sometime a little before midnight. No drunken debauchery, no wasted phone calls telling people I love them – true or untrue. Instead, I just fall asleep. It's quite funny.

Planning to see Wade with Riri coming along to diffuse any probable awkwardness. Going to his apartment in Napa for a while, drink a bit, and reminisce. And I'm not driving so it's good. I haven't seen Riri since high school, and I stopped seeing Wade after I stopped needing him but, you know, reunions are always interesting? Not really.

Have I talked about NIN's Ghost album yet? Because it is pretty darn amazing, if I do say so myself. And Brian Viglione on drums? Yes, please!

I have a swing out in the backyard. A lot of the time, if the weather permits, I'll just go out there with my headphones on, the music on high volume, and pretend I'm not there. It's almost liberating. And sometimes I'll write letters to no one in chalk on the concrete, and I'll come back the following day to see that it's been overridden with a child's art rendition of a train or person, more often than not stick figures.

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65 : lovelove

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:45:24 -0700

Write exactly what's on your mind, and don't change it:

01. Your 'ex' and You = are nonexistent!
02. I am listening to = the washing machine.
03. Maybe I should = harrass the volunteer coordinator.
04. I love = real spring, hammocks, and the friendsies.
05. My best friend(s) = no one; I don't believe in superlatives.
06. I don't understand = the opposite sex.
07. I have lost my respect = for certain nameless individuals.
08. I last ate = ice.
09. The meaning of my display name = is absolutely nothing.
10. God = is fickle.
11. Someday = is every day.
12. I will always be = indecisive and difficult.
13. Love seems to = be evasive.
14. I never ever want to lose = my mind.
15. My myspace is = stupid.
16. I get annoyed when = people are unreasonably late.
17. Parties = are better when smaller.
18. Simple kisses = are weird.
19. Today = made me grin like a fool.
20. I wish = I was more productive.

Okay, I have been posting like a freak, I understand this. But this time, I swear, it'll be my last for a while. There is a boy I know who is slightly younger than me. I am attracted to him, mainly because he is intelligent and business savvy, and he knows how to banter really well. Nothing makes my heart flutter as much as mutual wit and sarcasm. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to age discriminate despite how much I can like a person. I think it's a psychological thing, I don't know. But he makes me smile whenever I see him because I know I can have a great and casual conversation with him if I wanted.

Also, after today, I realized how naturally affectionate I really am – just in general. Even though I frown a lot and am usually always disdainful of others, depending on who they are, I'm much happier when I'm not. I'm secretly big on hugs, apparently, and expressing love for other people. Which is weird and unnatural to me, go figure. Big contradiction, yes, I know.

Cut myself by accident, couldn't finish my coffee, killed Apologize on the piano, am starting to read The Other Boleyn Girl – um, and that's all.

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64 : pi

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 10:54:50 -0700

So I say I am stressed a lot lately but never with any proof except whine whine whine. Well, I had a brief movie moment this morning. I won't elaborate except when I did find the offending piece, I stumbled backwards and, instead of falling unconscious which would have been preferable, I clumsily bumped the back of my head against the bathroom wall. That was painful.

It is also pi (or pie) day! I hate numbers, but it is totally a semi-legitimate reason to have apple pie. Yum! I might purchase some later and bake something later. Because you know what I noticed? If my biological clock is mucked up, I tend to cook late into the morning - and I never eat what I make. It's the insomniac's way of keeping himself/herself busy. Which is what I do.

I also have a can of whipped cream for consumption. I have no idea why I bought it since I haven't really touched it since. All I want are goldfish crackers and ice. Maybe an orange and raspberries for nutritional balance. I have been talking a lot about food recently, but looking at them makes me gag. Oh, apple juice! Haha, yeah. Story of my life.

Got a third piercing for my right ear last week, intending to get a second one for my left sometime today or later this weekend. Um, and I decided I won't try for the April 1 deadline. Too much to do in so little time, and way too put off to deal with irresponsible adults. As a result, speech class this summer. Ick.

Food to school - seriously, I make lovely transitions.
/idiot

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63 : dedicated

nobody@vox.com(ashesque) — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:59:27 -0700

My friends amuse me in so many ways. There are times where I feel compelled to whack some of them over the head because they continually do things that they really don't need to do. And, you know, I'll attempt to reciprocate if I can because making them happy makes me happy like crazy. If there's anything I learned in these past months, your friends can really do no wrong (well, they can, but it really all depends), and I am appreciating every single one I have even if I barely see them 75% of the time.

So where was I? Right. It makes me feel a little rotten when others do something for me. Under normal circumstances, it's a good thing. It's like, 'Aw, that's so selfless of you!' But then I feel like I want to do something better for them, but I get frustrated because I can't think of anything completely moving other than the usual things I do. Golly whiz, what kind of friend am I? Blah. For someone who adores the arts, I am pretty much a failure at creativity. What is this madness?

That said, little things! I love you guys so, so, so much even though you think I'm spaz-tacular.

HAHA, THIS POST IS SO CHEESE-TASTIC. BUT YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT, OKAY.

In other less ecstatic news, because something always has to go wrong (hello, I am a bad luck attraction), my heart wouldn't stop beating erratically this morning. And I am occasionally fond of the good kind, but this was not a good one. I'm going to assume it has something to do with the excessive over-the-counters. My sleep cycle is also way off ever since DST.

Today has been decent, otherwise. I am in utter adoration for the young Frenchman who comes in here, who is lanky but so adorable in a Bohemian-esque way. He's so friendly that he smiles all the time, and I just grin back like a cheeseball. Unfortunately for me, he's got this pretty girlfriend who is equally friendly and all smiles. If I wasn't stunned to admiration, I'd attempt to converse with them in French instead of eavesdropping.

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