Posts (page 2)

So Cindy is my lifeline.  Sent out the e-mail earlier this afternoon, received one this evening.  And chaos ensued, which roughly goes like this:

Me:  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG ... OKAY STRESSING OUT.  so i wrote my prof. an e-mail about the rec, and he replied and i DON'T want to open it.  ;__________;
Cin:  OPEN IT.  I BET YOU HE SAYS YES.
Me:  i don't want to see a no, but i don't think i can take a yes either.
Cin:  BEEEET.
Me:  no he doesn'tttttttttttt.  ;_;
Cin:  YES HE DOES.
Me:  omg omg omg.  hyperventilating.
Cin:  And you sort of have no choice.
Me:  sheeeeeeeeeet.
Cin:  DEEP BREATHS!  HE WILL SAY YES.
Me:  i'm gonna DIE.
Cin:  IT IS NOT A NOG.
Cin:  *NOT A NO.  AHAHAHA.  And probably not a nog, whatever that is.
Me:  LOL.  slja;f  fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  i can't open ittttttttttt.
Cin:  QUICK, LIKE A BANDAID.
Me:  *HEADDESK*  lol.
Cin:  FIND, FORWARD IT TO ME AND I WILL OPEN IT.  JEEZ.  :P
Me:  I CAN'T WITHOUT OPENING IT.  SNEAKY PANTS.
Cin:  FAIL.
Me:  ACTUALLY WAIT YES I CAN.

And that goes on forever, I threaten passing out (because I swear I was this close), and I'm okay now.  I think.  Heart still racing but I'm okay.  I hate school; why do I even care?  I'm not supposed to care this much, it's actually ripping me apart.

Gee, look who decided to procrastinate e-mailing her professor and calling up resources?  Why, because she has other things in mind, particularly how much she wants to beat her head on the keyboard because of how anxious and panicked she is – and clearly out of her mind for talking in the third person.

Little sister is doing her driving test at this very moment, so good wishes to her.  It's so odd to finally see younger siblings doing things that are grown up?  I don't know what it is, it's just a really bizarre experience to know that she's catching up.  Like, 'hey, where have you been all my life, lost years?'  Before I know it, my half-sister and half-brother will be right behind her and then where do I stand?  I really want to see them grow up, but I can't.  Rarely.

Skipping class today to focus on much more important things that I haven't yet started.  Why?  Because I suck, obviously.  The prospect of having to handle this much stress in compressed time is really starting to get to me.  If I was happy this morning because of the weather, the beckoning of real life is starting to look overwhelming and suffocating.  And I do what I do best in times like these – run away.  I fail as a human being, much less a live one.

Emotions are illogical.  Blind affection of any kind is nonsensical and a true mystery because, from an observational standpoint, I can't understand how I remotely liked the guy.  I mean, this is just one of those days where the light in my head turns on, and I can see everything with clarity.  I am more convinced that I am easily addicted to what a person can do in terms of their talents versus who they are and for some inane reason, I mix the two and my vision clouds because it's very easy.  A person's abilities represents – at least for me – a romanticized appeal that I've fashioned in my head.  And of course those are the wrong reasons for liking someone.  Kenneth and I are good revelationists (it's a good made up word, go away).

Okay, okay.  I am going to e-mail the professor right now.  Yes.
Probably not.

Edit:  I finally e-mailed him, and I am stressing out.  Of course now I'm worrying about the proper etiquette and proper way to ask for a recommendation!  And of course now I worry about the way I sounded in my e-mail – should I have sounded a little less proper, a little more casual?  Should I have acknowledged the fact I barely interacted with him in class, was a little more self-reliant?  UGH.  And why won't the volunteer lady answer her phone during office hours?  Epic, epic, EPIC fail.

I have this odd fascination with bones.

But even being some pseudo science nerd (not really, I ultimately defy/hate science unless it's entertaining as CSI), my fondness for bones have nothing to do with the technical details – only for aesthetics.  There was really no point to that.

I lost sleep due to the change in time and having to wake up earlier than anticipated, tried napping it off later in the afternoon but only awoke groggy and disoriented, went 'house hopping' and spending a little bit of time here and there with friends, but was unable to visit my favorite people because my mom (and therefore, my stepdad by default) netted and imprisoned me in the house for two hours.  They're not as tyrannical as I make them sound, I promise – at least not for today.

Ordered in Japanese, watched ABDC on MTV (and now wanting Michael Jackson tracks that I, for some reason, have kept deleting in the past, I don't know why!), and am currently nursing the sharp, almost intolerable pain in my side.  

Food makes me want to purge lately, it's disgusting; I like food.  :(  And I'm really not looking forward to calling up about my volunteer hours and requesting letters of recommendations tomorrow.  Too much fretting involved, and I keep catastrophizing the situation even though I'm sure, by the odds, some things will work out okay.

Other than that, I was very content with the weather.  A little warmer than I expected but good enough.  Had planned to throw around the football outside with my younger sister, but that wasn't executed at all.  Maybe another day.  Today made me want to seek out my half siblings, though, but that entails having to talk to my dad which is about the worst idea I could ever have.

That aside, overall, today was all right.

One thing I worry about in my job is the fact we are undertaking responsibilities that mean the lives of our customers.  There are deadlines they have to make, they need something sent out by a certain time and expect it there when we say it'll get there.  And, for the most part, it works out wonderfully.  They give us business, we're thanked, and we move on with other menial tasks.

Today, though, I almost felt my heart ripped out of my chest.  Whatever document he needed to the location today would decide whether his house would be foreclosed.  What with the housing economy these days, that's a big deal.  I mean, of course it always has been but lately, it's just magnified. And it's like – I don't want that kind of burden on my hands.  Yes, it's very selfish despite the fact that this is what we're supposed to do, but whenever something goes wrong there's a lot of guilt involved, and I can't say how much that brings me down.  That's also a selfish thing to say – to believe that you are the cause of something that was either inevitable or happenstance, but that's just the way it is.

All I want to do is just greet and talk to people, ring them up, and wish them a good day.

Phooey!

One would assume I would love nothing more than to dive head first into things that are handed to me on a silver platter, presumably things that could help me.  But I don't because I feel like it's a depraved kind of collateral, and there's just no point.

Them:  You are just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?
Me:  I am everyone's ray of sunshine.

And sometimes I say it with genuine conviction, and other times I'll say it with a deadpan stare.  But what it all comes down to is that it's true.  Call me a liar, but I daresay I'm pretty good at making people smile – even if they're smiling because they secretly think I'm kind of a dork.  However, I'm confident enough to think that they are merely jealous of my unique abilities.  Also between Connie and me:

Connie:  YAY, my favorite person.
Me:  :D I am everyone's favorite.

It's obviously so very true.  She capitalized her enthusiasm!  I am sparkly and contagious, true fact.

For the record, I have never been this cheerful and restless and jittery since – well, since never.  The combination of sleeping capsules and too much caffeine pills has left me feeling afloat, caught between consciousness and unconsciousness.  It feels akin to drinking about as much to leave you buzzed and unable to walk in straight lines but enough to differentiate logic from illogic.  Brains intact, motor skills confused.  Basically.

Which meant I walked into Laura's office feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience while still remaining hyper aware of my surroundings.  I vaguely remember what I said to her about my recent activities.  I mean, I remember but that meeting felt all too surreal and not really there.  My focus was shot.  At least attention is hardly required if all I'm to do is talk and talk, and I was able to skip class so that works well in my favor.

Incubus' Just A Phase feels like sex.  Not that I know anything about it or if it's even possible to feel like sex, but everything about it is so bloody erotic.  But certainly not the lyrics, oh no.  It's all in the melodies and the way the words are sectioned off, isolated, and lingering.  Amazing, if I do say so myself.  And, and, and – Saul Williams at Slim's on the 21st.  How wicked is that?  Oh my god.  That man is so insanely talented with words, I'm jealous but mostly full of admiration.

What else can I talk about?  Other than the fact I'm merely psychobabbling at this point because my fingers are typing much faster than my brain can figure out what subjects to cover.  There's quite a bit of them.  You'll realize that this is all, um, what do you call it?  Stream-of-consciousness, there we go.  I'm still a bit peeved at my manager, but what can you do?  Injustices are everywhere, including small franchises that underestimate your capabilities as a worker.  But nothing depressing here!  I am happy today, let's see how long I can drag this out before I crash.

I want to go somewhere, lie down, and breathe until the air gets too heavy that I'm too tired to think, to sleep, or do anything else.  People should join me and stop moving for a fraction of their lives.  You miss a lot of things when you're constantly in motion.  So you know when one of your limbs fall asleep, and you try to wake it up but all you get are these half-painful, half-ticklish and paralyzed muscles?  I am feeling that right now – an assortment of pinpricks on my skin and my spine, and I think I'm about to collapse.  Like right now.

Yeah.

The talking was nice.  And the silence was nice, though that might have been just me because I do find repose in the quietude.  Stars were bright, but one was brighter and I'm still convinced that spherical shapes have nothing to do with direction.  Whatever happened early yesterday about my thoughts on them wasn't on my mind anymore, although they did worm themselves into the conversation somehow in the end – and continued mostly because I don't know how to stop thinking, oh my god – and I kind of wanted to kick myself.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else.  I stopped bringing people there after Jay and all (seven years ago, wow), and I expected to have a meltdown of grand proportions but it was fine.  Staying up there sometimes – yeah, there are occasions where you feel like the tiniest and loneliest person in the world just because in the dark, in the middle of the big city and complete nothingness, there's no one but you.  It's humbling, but last night didn't feel that way at all.  I should bring others there more often, but it's always been our spot, which has always been shared between two people – three at the most but even that was very rare.  I don't have it in me to break those numbers.  Anyway.

People surprise you. 
(But in a good way.)

And I am feeling much better today.  
The sun + people + Jimmy Eat World = :)  

It's a nice day out.  How terribly ironic.

The one day I need the distraction is the one day I don't or can't have it, simply because I'm not in the mindset to be distracted.  But I want to be.

I took a shower, I did the laundry, I plan on cleaning up my room and my closet, play the piano, listen to The Velvet Teen, talk to people – I plan to do a lot of things to get my mind out of this stupid rut.  And I know I have good friends, and I love them a lot (they know who they are).  It's just – how is it that people can make you feel absolutely worthless?

I know that's just the way it goes, and I'm accepting it, but it doesn't hurt any less.  It's like, I'm picking myself back up slowly – and it's working – but then something happens, and I feel stupid all over again.

Wow, way to be emo.  I win at this.

But in other news, talking to people online makes me laugh.  People can be lovely.

01 i measure the circumference of my wrists with my fingers every day
02 i think better in the dark
03 i like climbing trees and rocks and exploring
04 i steal glimpses of sidewalk lovers
05 i prefer walking with nowhere in mind
06 i pinch the skin between my knuckles for self-discipline
07 i want to stop false induced sleep
08 i want to talk to you
09 i want to salvage this
10 i want too much
11 i think i miss you
12 i might despise repetition
13 i need no one and everyone
14 i need a good conversation
15 i obsess over cloud formations like an addict
16 i have intangible addictions
17 i listen to this song for harsh reminders
18 i think i am not better off
19 i am unlucky
20 i am lucky

I second-guess everyone I meet, give them an alias and a romanticized personality, so I won't be disappointed. I think about what-if all the time. I cartwheeled today and sat in the grass, collecting flowers for crowns, and being silly.  I should share my whimsies with someone else one day.  And then I would catch the day in polaroids and forget it by the following morning.  Everyone is erasable except the ones who matter (sevensevenseven).

Dark trance music makes me dizzy.  It reminds me of smoke and psychedelia, ecstasy and false, transient happiness.  I miss it a little bit, but that lifestyle is too crazy for me now.  November 2004 was particularly memorable, but that seems like a faraway dream.  Drugs are dream-inducers, and it's my fascination for the fantastical that make them particularly appealing.  I bring this up only because Trish and Kenneth woke me up at 2AM just to drive across the Golden Gate and watch the city lights from the other end.  We stayed in the car, I was half conscious in the backseat, while they played some obscure trance tracks and smoking, laughing, and talking to me even though their words went right through me.  They dropped me back two hours later, and they drove back to – well, god knows where, they're natural owls.  Sleep during the day, awake during the night; I rarely ever see them.

My eating habits are off.  Been nibbling at bits and pieces of fruit, overestimated my hunger and asked for a tall coffee and barely finished a third of it.  Speaking of coffee, a lot of customers have been offering us coffee lately.  I joked that they're offering so they could drug it and bring us home because we're amazing associates, but I really shouldn't joke about that kind of thing.  A lot of customers today have been really rude and feeling self-entitled, disregarding our new policies about certain things, and it was putting me in a bad mood.  I'm happy to be home.

Oh.  My mom thinks I'm living a famine/feast lifestyle – that was the analogy she offered me anyway, as she scolded me when I asked to leave the house one day.  Apparently, my social lifestyle goes as follows:  I go through a period of staying home and lazing away like a complete blob, geeking out in front of the television, tuning out the world and whatnot, and then I suddenly have short bursts of desire to leave the house, never coming home or coming home way too late, looking like the undead, etc.  This usually lasts for a week before I, once again, succumb to the shell of my home.  I'm glad she's concerned, but I don't know how to tell her that I'm, you know, almost 21 and if I feel like never coming home, I shouldn't have to feel obligated to do so.  Nevertheless, she manages to make me feel guilty.

I happen to like my lifestyle, a balance of both worlds, I guess.  And at least I keep up with my responsibilities – just that I happen to look like I haven't slept at all (half-true), which makes me terribly moody and hating the world and sunlight.  I'm secretly some kind of vampire, I know it.

Lately, a lot of people I know have been confronted by disturbances in their lives – family issues, love quandaries, and so on.  I just want to hug everyone and listen to them vent; it actually helps in ignoring my insignificant ones.  Also, people (including random customers) have been telling me (after the fact) that so-and-so have died.  I feel so useless and insensitive when others confide in me the death of a loved one.  I know that the polite thing to say is, 'I'm sorry for your loss' and wish them well – some variation thereof.  But I just stand or sit there and nod, nervously looking away because I, personally, don't feel comfortable when people apologize for my losses.  I keep thinking people are the same.  And that's such a selfish way of looking at it.  I don't know where I'm going with this.

This is not meant to be a pessimistic post but about random things I've been wanting to bring up for a while.  In other geek-related news, I think I'm going to buy me a Macbook Pro soon since my old iBook is dying out on me.  The Macbook Pro is gorgeous, and it's seriously calling out to me.  I think it's definitely a must-purchase at this point.  Therefore, one must by a slip cover for it, etc.

I've been really materialistic lately, it's disgusting.  :)